Me: *does something to improve myself, is feeling optimistic*
My Brain: You’re trash and it’s cute you’re trying to pretend to be likeable. These people are only being nice to you because they don’t know how bad you suck yet. You’re going to fuck this up the same way you ruin every good thing you’ve ever had, because you’re a miserable failure who is only likeable when you’re trying to act like you’re a person capable of consistently maintaining competence and decency for any real length of time. And the reason why you can’t is because you really aren’t either of those things because otherwise it wouldn’t take all of your effort just to be fucking normal and exist without constantly burdening everyone around you.
Mental illness is so cool, wow
But yeah, the reason why I avoid employment is because I’m lazy, not because I view it as a painful reminder of my inability to function in society unless I go so hard I break out in hives every day and lose the will to live even when my job isn’t the hardest or most stressful and I still can barely pay my bills. Because apparently being a baseline functional person is so stressful that it takes everything I have, and that just further drives home the point that I’m weak and disgusting and useless and maybe people who find existing so hard shouldn’t exist at all.
Hahahahahahahaha
I love my new job and everyone seems to genuinely like me but I’m so scared of fucking things up that it’s like a self-fulfilling prophecy. I literally don’t know how to not feel like an imposter. At least 70% of my stress could be relieved if I wasn’t poor and in debt because of my own mania and impulsivity and unable to do anything about it or willing to ask for help because my mom gave me 3k and I still did this shit to myself AGAIN and I can’t even tell you how or why, and I’m just so ashamed at this point that I can’t ask for help and it’s never going to get better. It’s no one’s fault but my own but I can’t fix it and I’ve been treading water for years and I’m just tired. But I can’t help myself because I can’t ever repay someone else so I refuse to ask for outside assistance because I already live in a constant cycle of self-perpetuating guilt that feeling even more indebted to others isn’t helpful.
Being “smart” fucking sucks unless you hit the nature/nurture lottery. Like wow, how cool it is I can write this little post exploring my diseased mental state, but it 0 percent helps me to feel better or enacts any kind of directly helpful changes, so self awareness can suck my dick. I’m just another someone with an emotionally toxic upbringing who grew into an emotionally stunted adult with a poor sense of self worth who may’ve won a junior high spelling bee once or written a story that other tasteless rubes liked. I’m not special and now I sure as hell never will be.
What is even the fucking point. Sometimes I wish I were suicidal or more of a moron who isn’t regretting the egregiously offensive former half of this sentence. Intelligence is honestly a burden to me sometimes and it’s so fucking sad because sometimes I really like myself and think I’m a good person but I’m not good at making money and I guess that’s all that matters.
It’s funny that my life went downhill after I tried to go to college. 5 years of savings evaporated before my eyes in a single semester of formal education that has yet to give me any material benefit in life, and all of the elders who blew sunshine up my “gifted” ass who told me higher education was my golden ticket shut the fuck up real fast, and also blamed everything on my lack of dedication.
I just feel robbed. And I’m “mature” enough to know that assigning blame won’t solve anything. But I’ve had this destructive thought process/manner of coping with things for so long that, in the absence of any healthy reinforcement that no one owes me (and that I absolutely am too proud to ask for because, well, see aforementioned), I don’t know how to proceed. I’m tired of compartmentalizing myself, but time and again, I’ve been shown that attempting to be seen is even more dangerous because you usually just make yourself vulnerable to people who then deliberately misunderstand you and try to make it your fault or act like you tricked them. As if pretending to be an untroubled, likeable person is a more malicious act than the messy atrocity that is your real personality that… Oh yeah, immediately just makes you “crazy” and even more unlikeable.
The one thing I learned from my childhood is that keeping the fragile peace was paramount, even if it was at the expense of denying the truth, because poking holes through someone else’s carefully constructed reality was of more concern than the people who were hurt by their actions. Addict Stan 101, amirite? A family intervention was actually staged against me about how I should care less regarding my dad’s drinking and the resulting emotional abuse because it was selfish to make it “all about me”.
So now I view myself as the discarded piece of beach trash I was raised to. I guess everyone just assumes value is inherent, when you don’t know to care about it until someone makes you aware based on their own biased set of metrics. I’m intelligence with no purpose, because my diseased brain and developmentally stunted ass couldn’t hack the one advantage I was given to my own advantage. I’m literally a masturbatory fantasy.
All the people who raised me are flawed human beings with their own demons who really didn’t mean it. But I can still be impotently mad. I didn’t ask to be brought into this world.
Something was wrong with me. A really common, explainable thing, as it turns out. But of course, smart girls don’t have problems. Mental illness is for parodical freaks tied up in straightjackets. There are starving kids in Africa. Do you really have it that bad?
So I learned to conflate my own personality and sense of self with my neurodivergence and now I’m 30 and I have such a tenuous sense of self-confidence that I literally just cosplay whatever version of me people like best from a capitalist perspective.
Haha jk. Sike, I’m a hyperemotional reactive and I will go off for everything, nothing, and all inbetween, even though I’m very chill and the things that set me off are on no one’s radar. Just usually not in a way you can immortalize on TikTok. I used to apologize for having an emotional response, because I used to prize myself on being a robot, but as it turns out, I’m just a big stupid tsundere and no one cares how tough you look if the only person you’re hurting is yourself.
I lost touch with the narrative.
Apparently I wrote this while wine drunk. Hm.
It’s weird how suddenly I can turn to self loathing when I feel like things are getting better and I’m doing ok. I’m just starting to ignore things again and I don’t want to let it spiral out of control again. I’m so feckless that I’m not sure how I manage to survive as an adult sometimes.
The one Steven Universe crossover where Jared isn’t Pearl. But it works cause this episode was all about the fact that Pearl is the epitome of “adorable and badass”
(also- we all know that everyone deserves a friend like Jared but everyone also deserves a wingman like Erlich)
Paige.
26. Voted most likely to know the meaning of the word "superfluous" by the graduating class of 2008.
INFP, 6w5, Piscean, HSP, cis female.
I just wear clothes and hate people. And I really like dogs.
